Thursday, July 16, 2009


My sister died. This past February. I have two sisters, or did. Now it's just me and the littlest one. So, she's dead. DEAD. WTF!? How the hell is this even fucking possible? What do you mean she died? Died? What is that? She's not finished...there's still so much for her to do, see, places to go, people to meet, things to learn! DEAD? You mean to tell me that she will never speak another word, see another sunrise or her sons grow, her granddaughter become a young woman, laugh with me, cry with me, laugh with Hope, cry with Hope...

She was cremated. Her wish. We have ashes or the politically correct term...'cremains'. No grave, no headstone.

This is bullshit! All she ever wanted was parents that loved her and a 'real' family. The parent thing was a joke. It was never meant to be. Our parents are mega-assholes. What she got was criticism and judgement, abandonment and judgement, pain and more judgement.

Tomorrow marks five months since her death. Heart failure. At 43 years of age. Fucking heart failure... bullshit. All of it. It's all bullshit. I want to scream, I want to hurt the people that hurt us when we were little. They know who they are. I don't have to though. I know that. The universe will take care of them. And is.

I'm working on a mixed media piece that will include this altered image of the two of us when we were little. And some of Shannon Hoon's words come to mind...

'I just want someone to say to me I'll always be there when you wake, Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today, so stay with me and I'll have it made'.
Dead? No fucking way...this is the most surreal thing I have ever experienced...I have to be having a way is this real...


  1. I have been reasing through your posts and i love your blog girl. this is so sad, I can relate to early deaths in the family, I can relate to asshole parents...and just 'feel' for you here so much.

  2. Thanks Joss! I guess I kinda popped off and rambled on a bit here...oh well, it truly was how I was feeling at the moment and if nothing else, I am honest! :)


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